The lost grandchild

Dear grandma and grandpa,
Would it shock you to know you didn't JUST give away your son? You have two granddaughters, and I've given you two wonderful great grand children you'll never lay eyes on....I've worried about you more than you'll ever know. I wonder if you need help, or if you ever wonder about my dad...or care at all. I think it's impossible that you just don't care about him. He had pneumonia when you left him....did you know that? He almost DIED....I bet he wishes you were holding him in his time of need. My little sister is asthmatic and has brittle bones....Is that from you? My hair is blonde....were you blonde? It had to have come from you....no one in my mothers family is blonde....my daughter has blonde hair as well... she's very pretty....I wish you could know her. I wish you would have thought more before you placed my father for adoption. You could have done it...it would have been hard, but you could have done it...I know you could have...I did at 16. I refused to give my daughter up for adoption after all the pain it's caused my father, me and my little sister. I bet I've got your nose. Maybe this is your strong jawline? Those giant big dark brown almost black eyes of my sisters.....are those yours? My little sister looks JUST like my dad. You'd live her...she's beautiful, smart and funny. My father has been a great dad, and he's an amazing grandfather. He's taught me how to fix cars from the moment I could hold a wrench. He's a master technician, and a great man. I wish you knew that. I wish you knew we were worth the fight....worth the struggle. I don't know why you chose to give him up....but I wish you had kept him. While he pretends he doesn't care...I know he does...all adopted children do. I forgive you, as I'm sure he does....but I wish you would have found him....I would have liked to have hold your hand and been there for you. I'd give ANYTHING to make you dinner, and help you with the dishes. It's a hard spot you've put us all in...and every future generation of this family...we are lost...forgotten...alienated. I can't regret my adopted grandparents....my grandmother was the greatest woman on earth....swore like a sailor, but lived with all her heart....but my grandfather was highly emotionally abusive towards her...if you could have heard the arguments....you'd know you made the wrong choice. She was Catholic, and divorce meant shaming herself and her whole family....so your son was raised in a warzone of a broken marriage. I suffered through a few of those arguments myself....I've never trusted men because of the tasty things I heard and saw. Regardless of all that...I love you. I would give anything to know you...to know where I come from. I miss you daily, and I never met you.

If you're reading this...and happen to be missing a son or brother that was born 3-1-1961 in new York...please contact me. We'd love to meet you.

I'm against adoption. My life has been affected by it, and I've always wondered exactly who I am, even though my father was the one adopted. I never know how to fill out forms, and even though I loved my grandparents dearly...I always wondered who my real grandparents were. Are they alive? Is my grandma OK? Does she need someone to help her get up the stairs? Does she wonder about my dad? How would she react to me and my sister? Did my grandfather love her? Was she a victim? Was this her choice or was she a young mother pressured into this? These are the questions that have been in my mind since I was very young. These are the questions that had a 16 year old me ready to murder a social worker. These were the questions that caused me to tell my child's biological fathers mother she could take her opinion to hell WITH her. In a way I'm glad my father was adopted, it made adoption not an option for me. There was no way I was giving my daughter to strangers who might hurt her because some asshole with a stack of papers and a pen told me "this is the best option" No...no it's not. It's not just a child I'm giving up....but my life, my grandchildren, and my great grandchildren etc. I would have aborted her before giving her up to strangers. I think it would have been kinder. Never knowing who you are or where you came from is a HUGE distress. No one can ever love my daughter the way I do, and no one could "live my child as their own." That's impossible. It's impossible to tell me you're going to place her with a good family. YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!!!! That guy she's married to....Can you be certain he won't molest her at 13? After all...."she's not really HIS kid" That nice woman....Can you be so certain that she won't beat my child with a belt? No....no you can't. What I'm certain of....Even though I've struggled, yeah I had to put high school on the back burner, yeah she didn't ALWAYS have the latest greatest....but I kept a roof over her head, clothes on her back, shoes on her feet, and food in her mouth. Would it have been easier to give her up? Fuck no. Not kissing her goodnight, watching her grow, and constantly worrying about her would have made life much harder than keeping her. I've had 2 abortions. Both times I was on birth control....you know that good old 99.9% effective??? Yeah...apparently I'm 00.1% One of the pregnancies was due to failed birth control AND a broken condom. Where are those statistics? Obviously an already struggling 17 year old me couldn't care for multiple children. So I did what I thought in my mind was right. I aborted. Honestly I regret it. Some says I'm so riddled with guilt I can barely function. But at least I know where they are, and no one can ever hurt them again. I dream of them from time to time. But not once have I ever thought "I should have placed them for adoption." Before you go jumping my ass I'm not the only one against adoption. You'll be surprised to know there are THOUSANDS of birth mothers and adopted children HIGHLY against it. http://www.exiledmothers.com

Cloth diaper

OK as many people know we do use cloth diapers and I did breastfeed for the first 6 months of Dominic's life....however I'm not "crunchy" "chewy" a hippie etc. You're about to read the most honest, non biased mom post you'll ever come a crossed...as for you labeling bitches beating others to death with your opinion....get the fuck off my blog. Ain't nobody got time for that. Lmao. As I previously stated...I did in fact breastfeed for the first 6 months...towards the end I pumped exclusively because Dominic liked to bite the ever loving shit out of my nipples. Lmao My honest opinion on breastfeeding? Everyone should try it. It's cost effective, but just in case your local LLC is psycho like mine...breastfeeding will not turn your baby into fucking Einstein, it will not "make your baby cuter", you WILL NOT get more sleep, etc. You will however save a shitload of money, and it's more natural (duh) than formula feeding. (This has already been stated but I'll say it one more time...if you don't like these HONEST opinions....gtfo) As for health benefits...if you're like me...you won't see any difference between formula and breastfeeding. My son was sick as a dog the first 3 months of his life. I kept passing different colds and flu to him...why? Because I have an older daughter and schools are a breeding ground for germs, and I have the sad excuse for a immune system. He hits milestones a bit late, and he catches cold rather easily. Now...I've had this "well think of what might happened had you NOT breastfed!!!" NOTHING says 4 different doctors....psychopaths. A poor immune response is a poor immune response the end. I didn't have a "bad breastfeeding experience" I had my experience. I'm still to this day not against breastfeeding (Although it has taught me that a good percentage of women that do are insane and go CRAZY if you didn't agree with every word they say lmfao)
Now....on to cloth diapers. I've said it before I'll say it again...I'm not a hippie...far from it...I don't recycle nada...I actually dislike hippies, and to be 100% honest idgaf about how long a disposable diapers takes to degrade....I think cloth diapers are cute, and it does save money in the ling run (not that igaf about that either lmao) I'm a wasteful negative potty mouth that drives an SUV rofl. Besides the cloth diapers there's nothing eco friendly about me. I do make my own cloth diaper detergent...mostly because it works better than what's currently on the market. I DO use disposable diapers from time to time. Mostly because I NEEDED him to fit in pants etc. Lol. That's one negative side to cloth diapering.....most pants won't fit over them and you have to go up a size (which makes the pants too long) So if you have a daughter you mostly keep in dresses and leggings...no problem...if you have a son you're trying to get a pair of jeans on...HUGE issue. Lmao. Now I've cloth diapered my son from day 1. I used GMD pre folds and boingo fasteners and occasionally a snappi when I misplaced my boingos and thisties size 1 covers. I still use pre folds and covers sometimes. But these days my stash is mostly pocket diapers. Sunbaby, Kawaii, and fuzzibunz pocket diapers. Out of all of them the fuzzibunz are my favorite because they'll fit under jeans just fine. Cloth diapers are cute, and hold in poo explosions like a disposable could only DREAM of doing. Lol. I will post more soon...but right now I leave you with just this...DO NOT BE BULLIED by some woman on a soapbox preaching her opinions like a damn reverend. Ignore that crap. Form your own opinions. If you want to use the cheapest bottles on the market and store brand formula and diapers....DO IT. Oddly enough you'll still be a GREAT mom, and your child will be JUST fine.

So I haven't posted here since Dominic was born. Lol. Dominic will be 8 months old on the first and Angela will be 8 years old may 25. I had Dominic's handprint tattooed on my leg recently....Thanh's grandmother died. Not much else new really. Lol. Dominic currently wears 12 month clothing, but he's quickly outgrowing those as well. He's finally sitting up completely unassisted,refuses to crawl, has got 4 teeth now, two top two bottom, and loves to stand. Angela is on her way to 3rd grade next school year. Oh my how time flys.

Introducing!

Dominic Thanh Ho! 9-1-2012 5:32 pm 6 pounds 14 oz 20"

Looks just like his daddy! :) Well Dominic's eyes are more "traditionally Asian" then Thanh's, but thanh's going to have to get over the fact his son will just look more Vietnamese than him...LMFAO

Welcome :)

So I've decided to start a blog, simply because I don't use facebook, twitter ect...and I hate keeping a "journal" so....lol. It'd be nice to have some way to keep track of things. As of right now I'm 25w and 6 days pregnant with our son...whom we still haven't agreed upon a name for...LMAO. My Cloth diaper stash is complete, the cribs been purchased, everything's bought and ready to go....well with the exception of the breast pump...in which I haven't decided which one to buy.My daughter was 7.5 at birth, this one's estimated to be WAY bigger, if I make it to full term 40w then they estimate that the baby will weigh about 10 pounds....GOD I hope not